


Round and Round (Had None)

by SEpupppupp (ForNought)



Series: This Little Piggy [6]
Category: Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Break Up, M/M, Possible Mental Health Issues, Relationship Issues, Sexual Content, some strong language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2019-03-22 18:27:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13769967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForNought/pseuds/SEpupppupp
Summary: Haknyeon wakes up to find he doesn't love Hyunmin anymore





	Round and Round (Had None)

**Author's Note:**

> another of the fics posted this week!!  
> but what's this?? another piggy boys fic?? and it's even the one i made people vote on!! eek
> 
> honestly there is supposed to be another part of the series set much closer to the other events but i wrote this one instead lmao
> 
> the tone is different enough that i could probably have made it a standalone thing but no i will be mean and it is definitely within the same 'verse as haknyeon complimenting hyunmin's outfit even though they were wearing their school uniforms TT

Hyunmin got home late but he tried to be quiet about it. He kissed Haknyeon on the forehead and apologised for disturbing him before he went to the bathroom to wash up. He crawled under the covers of their bed with a spearmint scented kiss and the musk of his fancy bodywash as he draped his arm over Haknyeon's waist. And then he farted.

“You're gross. How can you get into our bed and immediately fart?” Haknyeon asked through the slurs of sleep.

“Sorry,” Hyunmin chuckled tiredly. Haknyeon was about to exact his revenge when Hyunmin added, “If you have to try that hard I don't think it is going to be a fart. Please don't poo in our bed, Haknyeon, I only changed the sheets this afternoon.”

Haknyeon laughed and gave up. He rolled over and pressed his face into Hyunmin’s neck and he fell asleep soon after.

When Haknyeon woke up the next morning he didn't love Hyunmin anymore.

It wasn't something Haknyeon had been immediately certain of because he had been in love with Hyunmin for so long that he couldn't identify the cause of the empty pocket between his subcutaneous fat and his muscles. Falling in love with Hyunmin had been as simple as tripping over a chair leg and no matter how he tried to right himself he ended up flailing harder and dragging more stuff with him to crash inevitably to the ground. He was lucky because Hyunmin seemed to be the same way so they both fell for each other and the rest was history. He hadn't expected that falling out of love was even easier than that.

He let Hyunmin sleep in because he'd had to work late and he made himself a bowl of cereal for breakfast which went soggy before he could finish it. He threw away the cereal and brushed his teeth very slowly. He was flossing when Hyunmin staggered into the bathroom and clung to Haknyeon while squinting his eyes against the light.

“Good morning. You smell like a forest. I love you,” Hyunmin croaked. He finally managed to lift his head enough to look at Haknyeon through the mirror. It was funny because he was still so tired. He looked cute.

“I love you too,” Haknyeon said with the dental floss trapped between his teeth. He closed his eyes against the blankness in his reflected expression when he realised that he really didn't love Hyunmin anymore.

 

***

 

Haknyeon needed to talk to someone about it but he wasn’t sure who. Almost every hour he considered calling his mum or one of his sisters but he knew that he couldn’t say anything to them. Telling one of them would be as bad as telling Hyunmin himself. Haknyeon had to put his phone somewhere so that he wouldn’t think about it and go back to trying to paste contentment onto his face.

It was a few days later that Haknyeon told Sunwoo. The words tumbled out of Haknyeon’s mouth right after the mildewed invoices that a careless client sent over tumbled out of Haknyeon's hands. Because there was no other time for the confession to surface so he shouldn't have been so surprised that the words tore out of his chest in jagged hiccups.

“Maybe you should just tell him,” Sunwoo suggested as he soothingly rubbed Haknyeon’s back.

“Tell him that I don’t love him?” Haknyeon spluttered. It was bad enough that he was snotting on Sunwoo’s shoulder and he felt guilty for that but he didn’t want to be laden down with even more guilt about not being able to love Hyunmin in the way that he was supposed to.

“You should just try to be honest with him,” Sunwoo said calmly. “You’ve been together forever, right? Surely you can just talk it over with him and work something out. You can decide whether you need space or to spend more time together to make it work.”

It sounded so simple when Sunwoo said it like that so Haknyeon felt stupid for crying but Sunwoo smiled and told him that this is what friends were for. Haknyeon tried to feel better because Sunwoo had been so reassuring and he was right, Haknyeon and Hyunmin could talk this over and work something out.

 

***

 

Haknyeon made dinner and Hyunmin kissed him on the cheek as they served it up together. They sat at the table to eat and Hyunmin said, “This is unusual. Is there a special occasion?”

Haknyeon knew that he was being obvious about things. He should have tried to be casual and eat on the sofa in front of a repeat of a TV show they never manage to catch the first time the episodes are aired. But now Hyunmin knows something is wrong and Haknyeon struggled to swallow his mouthful. When he finally did he thought there was no point in dragging things out.

“Hyunmin, I’m not in love with you anymore.”

“Oh,” Hyunmin said.

Haknyeon had expected more of a response but Hyunmin carried on eating so Haknyeon followed suit and waited for the other shoe to drop. He made it to the point of being full and he ate even more after that because he couldn’t think of anything else to do.

And then Hyunmin’s cutlery clattered to the table.

“Is that it? Are you done now?”

Haknyeon raised his eyes and there it was - the reaction he had been expecting from the start yet it still startled him.

“What do you mean?” Haknyeon asked.

“What the fuck am I meant to say to that? Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

Haknyeon thought that he still did love Hyunmin but it wasn’t the same. He still wanted to be in his life but it wasn’t the same. Telling Hyunmin that he loved him didn’t ring quite as true as it should have and there was an odd floatiness in his belly which was pushing up the food he had chewed way too many times. It wouldn’t be so bad if one day he woke up and Hyunmin wasn’t the person lying on the other side of his bed.

Even if it wasn’t really love right now Haknyeon still cared about Hyunmin and hurting him by dragging it out.

“Things aren’t the same.”

“The same as what?” Hyunmin asked. “Haknyeon, please tell me this is a joke or something. It’s not funny at all but… Please. Fuck.”

Haknyeon wished that he was anywhere but here. He could be carrying on and pretending this was still fine and he was still just as in love as he had been back when Hyunmin managed to wheedle out words that Haknyeon had been too shy to say on his own. But that wouldn’t be fair and at some point further down the line it could have come out with Hyunmin’s face screwed up just like this as he tried not to cry.

“I’m sorry, Hyunmin.”

“Where did this even come from? How can you-”

Hyunmin cut himself off and stood up from the table.

“Hyunmin, where are you going?” Haknyeon asked quietly. “Can’t we talk about this?”

“Are you going to take it back?”

Haknyeon wasn’t going to take it back, at least not like this not when he had already put the thought out there and he wouldn’t be able to go through his days without remembering that he wasn’t in love anymore. He shook his head and Hyunmin huffed and fiddled with his hand.

“What are you doing?” Haknyeon asked.

“What do you think?” Hyunmin asked as he pulled the ring off his finger. “You can have this back.”

“Keep the ring on, please,” Haknyeon said.

“Are you serious? These rings aren’t about me loving you, they’re about the both of us loving each other,” Hyunmin shouted as he stormed into the bedroom. Haknyeon didn’t like where this was going. He followed Hyunmin into the bedroom and didn’t know whether to let him know he was looking in the wrong drawer for the overnight bags.

“I brought it up because I want to fix it before it gets any worse,” Haknyeon said. Hyunmin glared over his shoulder at Haknyeon, eyes red before he opened the right drawer and pulled out a bag to start shoving clothes into it. Haknyeon was no longer in love but this wasn’t what he wanted. Everything was going wrong when all Haknyeon wanted was to be in love with Hyunmin again, or at least for Hyunmin to stop crying and creasing his clothes as he shoved them into his bag. “Hyunmin, please.”

Hyunmin stopped. He stared right at Haknyeon without even blinking the tears out of his eyes. “Alright. I will give you one last chance to tell me that you don’t mean a word you just said. Tell me that you do still love me and I will put everything back, I will do the dishes, and we can just go to bed and everything will be fine in the morning.”

Hyunmin was pleading with nothing more than his gaze and Haknyeon believed that he really would accept everything and set everything aside if Haknyeon took it back. But Haknyeon didn’t want Hyunmin to have to pretend that he didn’t care about not being loved and he didn’t want him to have to pretend that he wouldn’t grow to resent Haknyeon for the fact that he couldn’t give back what he was receiving.

“I’m sorry,” Haknyeon said.

Hyunmin nodded and scrubbed at his eyes and zipped up the bag. “Alright. I get it.”

“No you don’t.”

“You’re right, I don’t,” Hyunmin agreed.

“I should be the one to go if you don’t want to be around me anymore,” Haknyeon said. It was pointless because he had already let Hyunmin pack up some things. He wasn’t surprised when Hyunmin rejected the offer.

“I’ll be back in a few days to pick up some more of my stuff. Uh, good night, I guess.”

Hyunmin didn’t say anything else as he grabbed some bits from the bathroom and picked up some of the mess he left in the living room. When the front door closed behind him Haknyeon felt relieved. He would have preferred to have reached an understanding but this could have gone a lot worse.

 

***

 

Hyunmin returned two days later to pick up his things.

Hyunmin’s friend Daehyeon had eventually confirmed that Hyunmin was staying with him and at least Hyunmin was with someone good for him seeing as things had moved in enough in their lives that the people around them now were different to the ones who first knew them together. It was better that he had someone he could talk to and take his side. But it didn’t look like such company had done Hyunmin very much good.

He frowned a lot and pushed his hair out of his face as he looked around the kitchen.

“Why haven’t you cleaned anything?” Hyunmin asked.

“Sorry,” Haknyeon muttered. They were running low on everything and Hyunmin must have known that Haknyeon hadn’t done any food shopping just as he hadn’t cleaned because there was something pointed about the way he asked for a coffee and watched as Haknyeon struggled to improvise around the lack of milk in the flat. There wasn’t much that Haknyeon was able to do right.

“Leave the drink,” Hyunmin said as he rolled his sleeves up. “We can go shopping later.”

“Are you staying?” Haknyeon asked quickly.

“I just don’t want you to starve or get eaten by some mutant bacteria,” Hyunmin replied just as quickly.

It was fair enough, Haknyeon supposed. He took direction from Hyunmin, more than usual because he was a bit of a mess and he couldn’t focus enough to clean properly, and it was almost the same way as always. Because it was almost the same as always Haknyeon couldn’t say that he was disappointed when they ended up in bed together.

Hyunmin sighed against Haknyeon’s mouth and he sounded so happy as he gripped onto Haknyeon’s hands and tried to keep his balance as he rode him. The frustration was building as the angle wasn’t quite right but Haknyeon was in no rush and did his best to keep the kiss even when Hyunmin said that he needed to sit up to try and pull Haknyeon in deeper. Despite everything that was going on between them Hyunmin gasped prettily as he moved his hips and stirred on Haknyeon’s cock. He came with quiet groans bitten into the back of his wrist as Haknyeon jerked him to completion.

And afterwards Hyunmin was just as morose as he had been when he arrived.

Hyunmin packed away a few more of his things and promised they would go shopping next time and then he left. Haknyeon was relieved again because they didn’t have to talk about anything and at least there was still something physical even if Hyunmin’s reactions were stiffer and more jerky at the plainer interactions between them.

Hyunmin regretted it, Haknyeon was sure, but the next few times were no different. Hyunmin got annoyed with Haknyeon for not taking care of himself and the flat and they had sex instead of trying to fix it and then Hyunmin left with a few more of his belongings.

The changes were as gradual as they were suddenly gutting. If Haknyeon scoured the flat after each visit he could see how many of Hyunmin’s things went missing but the next day when Haknyeon woke up with damp eyes and the phantom scent of home on the bedding Haknyeon could feel the ache sink a little deeper into his bones.

 

***

 

“You’re still the most beautiful person I know,” Hyunmin said. They met in public for once. Hyunmin got his coffee and Haknyeon got away with forgetting to go shopping. The cupboards were bare and the only thing Haknyeon saw when he opened the fridge that morning was the light and half a cucumber that deflated pathetically when he prodded it.

“There are still lots of things about you which I adore.”

“But you don’t love me,” Hyunmin said.

“I’m trying,” Haknyeon promised.

“What were you doing all this time that made you think otherwise?”

Haknyeon isn’t so sure what he had been doing this whole time. Parroting back words only made the intention flimsier, delaminating strata of sympathy and left Haknyeon uncertain on what anything really meant.

 

***

 

“How do you fall out of love with someone?” Hyunmin asked. Haknyeon was certain that he already knew because he just spent twenty minutes pushing Haknyeon's face onto the mattress with enough force that Haknyeon struggled to inflate his lungs without them burning. All the same Hyunmin went on as though it was a big mystery to him. “Was it something I did?”

Haknyeon shook his head. Hyunmin stared at the ceiling but Haknyeon could see the shine of tears that threatened to tip right out of Hyunmin’s eyes.

“Is there someone else?” Hyunmin finally asked.

“No, of course not,” Haknyeon said. He didn’t want Hyunmin thinking things like that, that Haknyeon had to search elsewhere and pushed Hyunmin right out of his heart with affection from someone else. He rolled towards Hyunmin and wondered whether it was alright to touch him now.

“You just don’t want me anymore?”

“I’m sorry, Hyunmin.”

“I need to stop coming here,” Hyunmin muttered. He rolled up from the bed and started pulling his clothes back on. “What’s going on with you, Haknyeon? Your mum said that you haven’t been answering her calls. She wanted to know whether it is still alright to visit next weekend.”

Somehow Haknyeon had forgotten that the rest of the world existed. He had been going into work when he felt like it and calling in sick when he didn’t. When he did dredge up the motivation to get showered and dressed and go to work he made lots of mistakes and watched the clock until it was time to go home. When he decided he couldn’t take it he stared at the walls and wondered why Hyunmin wasn’t right there with him. It hadn’t even occurred to him that there was other stuff happening like his mum wanting to visit.

“What did you say to her?”

“I told her it was fine but I wasn’t going to be here because I have a house viewing.”

Hyunmin was so matter of fact that Haknyeon almost ignored the reason he gave for not being here next weekend.

“What do you mean you have a house viewing?”

Hyunmin stopped fastening the buttons of his shirt and levelled a stare at Haknyeon. “There’s a house share not far from work where they have an extra room going. Daehyeon’s sofa is okay for now but I kind of need my own space.”

“Can’t you just come back here?” Haknyeon asked. Hyunmin turned on his heel and walked out of the bedroom. A few moments later the front door slammed shut and Haknyeon didn’t know what he was supposed to do now.

 

***

 

Predictably Haknyeon’s mum came with bagfuls of side dishes which she packed into the fridge upon her arrival. When she finished fitting everything in the fridge she clipped Haknyeon around the ear and told him off for not eating properly.

And then she quietly asked Haknyeon why Hyunmin would be looking at houses. “Are you thinking of starting a family?”

“What?”

Haknyeon assumed that Hyunmin had clarified things but the sparkle of anticipation in his mum’s eye spoke to her ignorance of the situation. Haknyeon deserved it, especially if he was going to so plainly tell Hyunmin that he wasn’t in love anymore.

“I have been looking into things since Hyunmin told me he was looking at houses. I was annoyed with you for not answering the phone but I suppose you are busy with planning things so having a grandchild is something to look forward to,” Haknyeon’s mum rambled. “I hear that you can pay women to have babies for you these days. Is that how you’re going to do it? Do they call it a surrogate?”

Haknyeon wished that he hadn’t messed things up so thoroughly. They had made it almost eight years, happily, joyfully, everything that Haknyeon could have wanted. By now they should have been thinking about things like this. Having a baby and providing for a child who would love them both unconditionally.

“I don’t love Hyunmin anymore and he doesn’t want to live with me now,” Haknyeon said, not particularly caring for the tears spilling down his cheeks. His mum’s face was stark disappointment and Haknyeon didn’t know what to do.

“What do you mean you don’t love Hyunmin anymore?” Her voice wasn’t as sympathetic as Haknyeon would have liked but at least she sat Haknyeon down and pulled him into her chest. “What happened for you to say something so awful?”

It was awful. Haknyeon knew that well enough and now he couldn’t cope with the consequences of his actions. Hyunmin hadn’t done anything wrong at all and it was all Haknyeon. And Haknyeon was crying to his mum because he was messing it all up on his own.

“I don’t know,” Haknyeon snivelled. “I just don’t think it’s the same anymore. He is just as amazing as he always was, like he is still so kind and he is funny and he is everything he was when we first met, but… I just don’t love him the way that I used to, mum.”

Haknyeon thought it would feel much better to get everything off his chest like this but he still felt so stuffy and his head ached from the pressure building up with nowhere to escape to. And his mum didn’t have anything to say to make everything sound better.

“It is normal to have periods of things not being the same, Haknyeon. You can feel distant for a while but you aren’t going to be head over heels in love the whole time,” She said. “This… Is this the first time that your feelings have been a bit less than before?”

Haknyeon wasn’t sure. Now that this had happened he wasn’t sure how his feelings had been all along.

“Why did you say something, Haknyeon? Couldn’t you have waited and tried to get the feeling back?”

Haknyeon didn’t have a clue why he said something but he also didn’t know that staying quiet was a viable option. “Does that happen? Does love just come back?”

“Haknyeon, are you trying to tell me that all this time you have loved him just because and you didn't have to try?”

It was very possible. It certainly felt that easy until it wasn’t.

 

***

 

“I’m sorry for calling you,” Haknyeon said.

It was unfair of him to be like this, phoning Hyunmin for hours until he answered. He knew that Hyunmin was at work but he also knew that Hyunmin would return the call as soon as he was free.

“What’s wrong?” Hyunmin asked. “Are you alright?”

“I miss you,” Haknyeon said. He really did miss Hyunmin and this wasn’t good enough. He hated sleeping in their bed alone but he would have thought that almost three weeks would be long enough to get used to it. He wasn’t used to it yet.

Hyunmin sighed. He sounded distracted but he was probably just walking to Daehyeon’s flat or maybe he had even moved into the house he had looked at before. Haknyeon didn’t like to think about that.

“Why are you calling me, Haknyeon? I thought something was wrong. I thought someone had broken in or you were in trouble or something. Why are you doing this?”

“I need to see you,” Haknyeon said.

Hyunmin sighed again. “Please, Haknyeon. I really thought there was something wrong.”

“There is something wrong. I’m lonely. I miss you.”

“Please don’t do this to me.”

“I want to see you, Hyunmin.”

“You don’t love me,” Hyunmin said. Haknyeon hated the sound of his voice in that moment. The defeated sound sucked at the hopelessness in his chest. He wanted Hyunmin back.

“Just come over, please. You can stay over and we can talk.”

“Don't you have work in the morning?”

“I'll just phone in sick,” Haknyeon said. It really was that easy. Working out how to undo everything he had done wrong to Hyunmin was more of a priority to Haknyeon than holding onto his livelihood.

“You'll get into trouble,” Hyunmin pointed out.

“I'm not going to work regardless. But if you come over you can at least make everything worth it.”

Even now Haknyeon knew that he was being unfair but he had to do everything he could. Making Hyunmin sigh again, as though breathing through the weight of the world on his shoulders, was something Haknyeon wasn't going to take for granted.

It didn't take long for Hyunmin to arrive home, less than an hour, so it was no different to any of the times Hyunmin came home before.

When Hyunmin did arrive he used his key to turn the lock and he crawled onto the bed fully-clothed and he pressed himself into Haknyeon's embrace.

“I don't want you to live somewhere else,” Haknyeon breathed against the crown of Hyunmin’s head. “Come back and live here.”

“Haknyeon,” Hyunmin murmured wryly, “I can't just be your roommate. I can't just move into the spare room and be happy seeing you every day.”

Haknyeon hadn't even thought of that. He wouldn't have put the effort into clearing out the accumulated crap out of the spare room. He would expect Hyunmin to fall back into bed just the way things already had been. But Haknyeon doubted that would have been much different to not saying anything at all. Things might have been better off that way but Haknyeon hadn't been able to shake the unease of not feeling the same way he always had.

Hyunmin couldn't be happy living as Haknyeon's roommate but Haknyeon wasn't happy now that Hyunmin wasn't constantly here.

“Are you happy now? Does not seeing me everyday make you happy?”

Hyunmin shook his head. “How could it? I am in love with you. Of course I want to see you all the time even if you don't.”

“I do want to see you,” Haknyeon said. “I still want to see you, and I care about you, and I only want good things to happen to you.”

Hyunmin shifted in Haknyeon's arms and his weight pressed tight against the coiling tension in Haknyeon's chest. “So what makes you say that you don't love me?”

Haknyeon wasn't sure how to describe it. If he had to put his feelings into words it did sound like the way he would verbalise love, but in their intangible state Haknyeon could feel the difference. Whatever had been there all along suddenly wasn’t there anymore.

“I just don’t think that I do anymore,” Haknyeon said.

Hyunmin slipped out of Haknyeon’s arms and sat up. “What would I have to do to make you love me again?”

Haknyeon wasn’t sure. He didn’t know what had happened to make Haknyeon fall out of love with him. Nothing had changed from before. Hyunmin still said sweet things to Haknyeon and he still held him close and clutched onto his hand and kissed him softly just like he had all along. And not much had changed since even earlier than that.

Hyunmin had been someone noticeable around school because he was always making a fuss with Sunghyuk and Hyungseob. He was someone who cultivated fun around him and he was handsome and was oblivious enough to people around him to be effortlessly cool. He was all of that now except Haknyeon wasn’t making fists to hide his sweaty palms and hoping that Hyunmin would take notice of him and talk to him from time to time.

Hyunmin hadn’t done anything in particular. Haknyeon had just loved him.

And now he didn’t.

Hyunmin held Haknyeon’s face between his hands and stared down at him. “I will do anything for you, Haknyeon. I can’t lose you. I know I am supposed to respect the fact that you need space or you are never going to love me again but-”

“Don’t say that,” Haknyeon said. “Don’t say that I won’t love you again.”

“You don’t love me now. There isn’t much worse things could get for me,” Hyunmin said softly.

“Kiss me,” Haknyeon requested just as quietly. He didn’t want Hyunmin to sound like that. He didn’t want Hyunmin to sound so broken because of him. Maybe Haknyeon’s mum was right, that Haknyeon was being stupid by bringing something up that might have easily passed without Hyunmin noticing.

But Haknyeon wasn’t certain how long he could have gone without Hyunmin noticing that things were different. He wasn’t sure how many other times he would have been able to do things like this, asking for kisses to stop Hyunmin from sounding so small because he was realising things weren’t quite the same.

He didn’t know whether he would be able to stand the weak hisses of unease in reaction to Haknyeon’s efforts to be normal.

“Don’t ask me things like this. Don’t… We shouldn’t do things like kissing. It makes things complicated. My heart hurts.”

“I’m sorry,” Haknyeon said.

But Hyunmin leaned down and kissed him anyway and even if Haknyeon didn’t think that he loved Hyunmin he was happy.

 

***

 

Haknyeon hadn’t seen Park Jihoon for years. They could have contacted each other at any time but they hadn’t and losing contact had been that easy. Bumping into him again when he was out shopping was a surprise. There must have been some other opportunity for them to see each other before Haknyeon’s life started to fall apart (before he dismantled it so smoothly with his own hands).

“You look well,” Jihoon said. They were both holding boxes of the same brand of eggs. It was almost like old times.

“You too,” Haknyeon said. He put down the eggs and tightened his grip on his shopping trolley and hoped he looked happy, that he didn’t look like he was breaking someone’s heart right now. “It has been a while.”

“Yeah. How are you holding up? I should have reached out to you when I first heard but it felt a bit awkward,” Jihoon said.

Haknyeon was sure the ground had dropped from beneath his feet and sheer mortification was the only thing keeping him upright in front of an old friend. He coughed but his throat still felt sticky. “When you heard about what?”

Jihoon’s face was dripping with sympathy as he said, “You broke up with Hyunmin, right? I always liked you together but if you need to talk about things I am always available.”

“Thanks,” Haknyeon said though he wasn't sure what there was to be grateful about.

This wasn't eight years ago when they tried out new recipes together and Jihoon was a guinea pig for all the things that Haknyeon wanted to feed to Hyunmin. This wasn't even five years ago when Haknyeon had too much to drink and confessed that he couldn't live a single day without Hyunmin. This was a lifetime away when Haknyeon was breaking down in a supermarket because he had messed everything up.

“Hey, I'm sorry for bringing it up,” Jihoon said as he pulled Haknyeon into his arms. “I'm sure you can win him back or something.”

Haknyeon was too ashamed to admit that he was the one who had created the circumstances in the first place.

 

***

 

“I was only supposed to be gone for one night but I shouted at you and I was too embarrassed to come back,” Hyunmin said one night. When he exhaled too heavily there was static through the phone line. Haknyeon could hear in the words that Hyunmin had been drinking.

It was late. Or it was early. Haknyeon wasn't sure which one. He had stirred from sleep and by chance been lucid enough to answer the phone when Hyunmin called. Now he couldn't say anything but Hyunmin was content to spill his soul across a bad connection when they were both better off asleep.

A light cough preceded a quiet, “I need to hurry back and look after you. You're not... I know you have been skiving off work even more than you admit. They keep calling me to find out where you are. I told them you're sick. I implied something you wouldn't want them to think but it got them to stop asking.”

“Will you really come back?”

“Do you want me to come back?” Hyunmin asked. His breath hitched and he sounded even worse than before when he spoke. “I don’t know what’s happening with us. People keep asking me whether we’ve broken up and I don’t know what to say. I just keep crying. I don’t know, Haknyeon. Have we broken up? Is that what happened?”

It shouldn’t have been a surprise that Hyunmin had cried over things between them. Haknyeon was still trying to work things out himself and even if he had the thoughts first he wanted to cry a lot too. Haknyeon didn’t want to break up with Hyunmin.

“We haven’t Hyunminnie, we’re still like before. It’s just a bit different. I’m sorry. I want you to come back.”

Hyunmin sniffed loudly and Haknyeon could hear the telltale snuffles of him swiping his hands over his face and mopping up the tears streaming from his eyes. Haknyeon wished he was with Hyunmin, or he wished that Hyunmin was here with him in their bed and he could tell him he was sorry properly. Haknyeon wanted to hold Hyunmin and tell him everything between them was fine even if it wasn’t. He wanted to tell Hyunmin that he hadn’t meant anything that he said if it would be enough to make him stop crying.

“If I come back tomorrow, Haknyeon, if I come home and come and see you will you remember any of this? Will you take me back like nothing ever happened? Even if it’s a lie can you tell me that you love me and we’re always going to be together forever? Just like before?”

Haknyeon could pretend all he wanted that it was an accident but he wanted to stop thinking about Hyunmin crying, sobbing alone on his friend’s couch in the middle of the night and reaching out for someone who wouldn’t have him in the way he deserved. Haknyeon hung up the phone and didn’t have anything to distract himself from the hours of nothingness that he had ahead of him.

 

***

 

Hyunmin looked like a mess.

Haknyeon could completely understand why. Haknyeon was a mess too. And there was nowhere to hide when Hyunmin was standing in their living room crying all over again.

“What is this, Haknyeon? How can you live like this?”

Haknyeon wasn’t sure what Hyunmin was referring too until he was stripped and shoved into the bathtub. The water was only lukewarm and it just about reached his navel. Hyunmin ran his fingers through Haknyeon’s hair, water dripping down Haknyeon’s face and leaking into his eyes as Hyunmin scooped more and more handfuls of water over him.

“I made a mistake,” Haknyeon said as Hyunmin’s fingers massaged shampoo into his scalp.

“Alright,” Hyunmin said. His eyes were drier than they were when he first arrived.

“I love you. Is everything fixed now?”

The water that splashed Haknyeon in the face felt far colder than the water he was sitting in. He deserved it.

“That never fixes anything,” Hyunmin said. “I love you. I have all along. I say it all the time. Nothing has been fixed whenever I said it. Why would it be different for you?”

“Are you going to stay?” Haknyeon asked. He wasn’t really expecting things to change. The words didn’t feel how they should have when he said them. He at least wanted this.

“I just brought all my stuff back because I need to do some laundry.”

“That’s not funny,” Haknyeon said. “Now that you’re here and you have your things I am going to keep you here. You can’t leave even if you want to.”

Hyunmin smiled and pressed a kiss to Haknyeon’s forehead. “You can hardly cope with washing and feeding yourself. How are you supposed to do anything to control me?”

“You only used to say nice things to me. I’ll be sad if you only say mean things to me,” Haknyeon said. It was unfair of him as Hyunmin had been sad all along because of the mean things that he had said. Hyunmin kissed Haknyeon softly.

“You are disgusting. You’re a mess and you can hardly cope without me. You don’t love me and you’re using it as an excuse to wallow in self-pity. You’re really awful. Even with everything I have done for you there isn’t an ounce of consideration for me in any of your actions. And I love you, Haknyeon. I want you to be selfish and take advantage of me forever,” Hyunmin said. “You’re beautiful in every way. I’m weak for you.”

Haknyeon was weak for Hyunmin too.

 

***

 

“When you were here all the time,” Haknyeon muttered against Hyunmin’s neck. “I wanted you to leave me alone. That’s bad, isn’t it? And then you were gone and I hated that you made me dependant enough on you that I couldn’t be alone.”

“Can’t that be enough?” Hyunmin whispered. “Even if you don’t love me I can be happy if you at least need me.”

Haknyeon wasn’t sure that it should have been enough. Hyunmin deserved love, not Haknyeon’s inability to cope without him. Even now Haknyeon was painfully aware of his own shortcomings. He wasn’t even sure what his purpose was here. He had been with Hyunmin for long enough that the time before they were together was indistinct, possibly didn’t even exist. And Haknyeon hadn’t been able to work anything out in the time he had hurt a person who only wanted his love.

“Hyunmin. I don’t know what the point is.”

Hyunmin held him tighter. “What are you saying? Don’t… Haknyeon, don’t.”

“Who am I, Hyunmin? What am I without you?” Haknyeon asked. It wasn’t a fair question but nothing about what Haknyeon had done was fair.

“You’re… I don’t know what you want me to say. I can only tell you the person that I know you to be and I wish I could give you this and tell you what you need to hear but I can’t. You should talk to your family or your friends when I’m not here. You should try to work out who you are for them if you can’t do it on your own.”

Haknyeon wasn’t sure he was listening to the right thing. This wasn’t quite what he wanted but Hyunmin had given him everything and more before now. Hyunmin had loved him in every way he knew how from the moment he had tripped and fallen, a pair of arms which almost accidentally caught him and been taken down in the momentum. Hyunmin deserved moments of not being able to give what Haknyeon what he was begging for. It was not as though Haknyeon had reciprocated well enough.  

 

***

 

“Do you think that one day you might love me again?”

Haknyeon tried to pretend that he wasn’t caught off-guard by the question. It should have been expected. This was what they were working out in the first place. They were just eating breakfast together. It was Hyunmin’s first morning back at the flat after unofficially moving out and back in again. It was a valid question.

A sip of water was necessary to help his breakfast go down.

“Maybe,” Haknyeon said. “I want to.”

He just didn’t know how to get there.

 

***

 

“It’s unusual to see you here,” Sunwoo said.

Haknyeon bowed his head and hoped his chagrin wasn’t too obvious. Hiding at his desk wasn’t going too well and he wished he had called in sick again. The receptionist had given him a strange look when he signed in upon arrival and he supposed he earned it.

“Do you reckon I’m in trouble?” Haknyeon asked.

“Definitely,” Sunwoo agreed. “What’s going on with you anyway? Are you, uh, healthy again?”

Haknyeon shrugged. “Hyunmin’s back, so.”

Sunwoo didn’t ask for the remainder of the sentence and Haknyeon was glad because he didn’t know where he would have gone from there. Hyunmin was back. Everything wasn’t magically better. Haknyeon had less excuse to miss him and now he was left with worrying about how to fall back in love.

 

***

 

Another ghost from the past appeared before Haknyeon when he arrived home. He didn't think Hyungseob knew where they lived on account of the fact that he had never visited them since they properly moved in together after university. Not that he would have been particularly welcome. Yet there he was, chin tilted up defiantly and irritation simmering in the shine of his eyes.

“Hyunmin’s still at work now isn't he? We need to talk.”

Haknyeon didn't even ask how Hyungseob knew that. He didn't want to know how a person who was calculated in their abrasion until they had worn away the tentative tethers of a friendship a handful of years ago would know anything of Hyunmin’s daily life now. Even so, Haknyeon unlocked the door to the flat and let Hyungseob in.

“Hyunmin won't be back for a while,” Haknyeon explained. He was nice enough to fetch Hyungseob half a glass of water to keep him company while Haknyeon settled back home after work. “He has to teach evening classes.”

“I know. I checked,” Hyungseob called from the living room.

Haknyeon sighed. He hadn't expected anything about seeing Hyungseob again to be easy and he mostly wished that he didn't have to put up with it. He got changed and when he returned to the living room he saw that Hyungseob hadn't moved an inch. He hadn't even touched the glass of water. It had been pettiness of Haknyeon's part but now he was offended what Hyungseob hadn't submitted to the gesture.

“What do you expect to do until he arrives?”

Hyungseob frowned and the break in his hardness jilted Haknyeon’s wariness for a moment. “I need to talk to you. I already told you.”

“Oh.” Haknyeon sat down on the sofa feeling a bit stupid, the way he should have been feeling all along with the way he was acting. “Why do you want to talk to me?”

“Because of how awful you have been to Hyunmin. Obviously. If you thought I was here to see Hyunmin why did you let me in?”

“He misses you,” Haknyeon admitted. “Sometimes he gets into these spells where he reminisces about the good days with you and Sunghyuk and he seems so happy even though things ended badly. I want him to be happy like that again.”

“Why are you crying?” Hyungseob asked with a prim sniff. “Are you trying to blame me somehow? It happened years ago so whatever issues you have are nothing to do with me. You just proved me right, that's all.”

“I am not trying to blame you!” Though right now it did feel like it was Hyungseob’s fault. He had jinxed them all that time ago and his warning about getting too serious too quickly, dispensing with the parts of the world that weren't each other and promising infinities too sublime to really be treated with the significance they demanded, had come true.

Haknyeon felt like a complete idiot now. His rose-tinted juvenescence had greyed away until he accepted things for what they were with nothing very interesting on the horizon. And then his insides felt numb and he didn't love Hyunmin anymore. He didn't love anything anymore.

“I know that none of the things I said were very nice but you should have listened to me,” Hyungseob said.

“No I shouldn't. Hyunmin still loves me.”

“Are you proud of that? He still loves you even though you are so quick to give up.”

“Shut up, you don't know anything!” Haknyeon resented the way that he felt young again - not sparkling with anticipation of what the world could offer him but frustrated and misunderstood and loathe to attempt to explain himself against the choking of tears. “I want to love him. I want to try again. You're just being stupid and mean for no reason!”

Hyungseob shrugged. “And if I am? What are you going to do about it?”

Haknyeon scrubbed roughly at his eyes with fists and tried to think about big airy things like the inside of a hot air balloon. Though he was sure he was only asphyxiating himself on the fumes of such thoughts. He inflated his lungs once, twice, a third time. Had almost stopped crying.

“Why are you even here? You said you didn't want anything to do with us ever again. How do you know what happened?”

“I miss Hyunmin too,” Hyungseob admitted quietly.

Haknyeon missed a lot of things. He wanted lots of things to be as they were previously. He didn't miss how effective Hyungseob was at playing the brat even after all these years.

“Are you actually going to try to be his friend again?” Haknyeon asked.

“I could be friends with both of you if you'd like,” Hyungseob replied. It sounded so easy even though it wasn't possible. Not for Haknyeon when he could still acutely recall how distraught Hyunmin had been to find out that a friend who had been at his side for years couldn't support something as silly as Hyunmin betting everything on someone who facilitated his foolish fancies. Hyungseob had likened their relationship to primary school precociousness and slapped an expiration date on their love. And now he was offering to be their friend again.

“Do you want to be friends with _us_? Do you even care about Hyunmin and I being happy together?”

Hyungseob shrugged. “Yeah. We used to be friends before.”

“Before I gave him that ring,” Haknyeon said. Hyunmin hadn’t put the ring back on and it had moved around the flat from the dining table to the kitchen windowsill to a drawer of knick-knacks in the bedroom. Haknyeon supposed it was fair. It was fine for Hyunmin to leave the ring off his finger if Haknyeon couldn’t say that he loved him.

“We were still friends after you gave him the ring,” Hyungseob said cagily. “The rings didn’t change anything.”

“Not the rings from school,” Haknyeon grumbled. “The ones that I saved up for during uni. Those rings changed things, Hyungseob. You said horrible things about the rings when they were worth money and more people accepted they meant forever.”

Hyungseob shrugged. “Well that forever didn’t last very long for you. If they’re about the two of you loving each other and you fell out of love they didn’t do their job anyway.”

Haknyeon didn’t have the best memory. He couldn’t remember exactly what Hyungseob had said when they had fallen out but he knew it was horrible. He couldn’t remember exactly what Hyunmin had asked him to say all those years ago when he tried to solve a problem that didn’t exist but he knew everything written on the card was stupid. But something about what Hyungseob had said was too familiar. It must have been recent for Haknyeon to feel so sure he could remember hearing it.

“What do you mean about the rings being about Hyunmin and I loving each other?”

“What do you think I mean? That’s what they’re for.”

Haknyeon shook his head. There was a chance that he was being paranoid but there was a chance he wasn’t drawing up connections which didn’t exist. “When was the last time you spoke to Hyunmin?”

Hyungseob didn’t miss a beat. He shrugged. “I can’t remember. It has been a while.”

“You’re lying.”

“What would I need to lie about?” Hyungseob asked.

Haknyeon wasn’t entirely sure so he dropped it and asked Hyungseob if he wanted anything to eat. They ordered take-out and Hyungseob regaled Haknyeon with the troubles of trying to attract advertising revenue to small-scale social media sites and they avoided anything to do with their previous friendship. Haknyeon wasn’t up for rebuilding this friendship when he had things with Hyunmin to fix. Besides, he was certain Hyunmin was doing a good enough job on his own of reconnecting with Hyungseob.

Haknyeon thought he would have needed to make more excuses for Hyungseob to stay but he endured the silences and didn’t hint that he needed to leave. He was fine with the television playing in the background and was still there when Hyunmin was shaking Haknyeon awake.

“Hey, do you need to go to bed?” Hyunmin asked.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” Haknyeon grumbled at Hyungseob.

“For more riveting conversation?” Hyungseob asked.

Hyunmin kissed Haknyeon on the forehead and started laughing with Hyungseob about something or other. Haknyeon didn’t think it was as important as how naturally they chatted and Hyunmin picked up all the empty containers and piling them up neatly before picking through to find something he could eat himself.

“So, you two look like you’ve been having fun,” Hyunmin noted as he perched on the coffee table and started shovelling food into his mouth.

“No,” Hyungseob said. “We were supposed to talk but Haknyeon started sulking and then he fell asleep.”

“Cute,” Hyunmin grinned. “Are you going to have that talk?”

“You’ve been meeting Hyungseob and talking about our problems with him,” Haknyeon said. Hyunmin wasn’t even a little bit surprised about Hyungseob’s presence. He might have already gone through that while Haknyeon was still asleep but it was still suspicious and Haknyeon didn’t like it. And Hyunmin didn’t even deny it.

“I needed someone to talk to, Haknyeon. Hyungseob has always been a good friend to me. There was a bit of a rocky patch but-”

“I’m going to bed,” Haknyeon grumbled. Hyunmin took the hint and didn’t follow him and Haknyeon was only partially disappointed that he could still hear voices in the living room when he was lying in bed with the covers pulled over his head.

Haknyeon didn’t even realise he had fallen asleep again until Hyunmin was pulling back the covers and crawling into bed beside him.

“Hyungseob was right about us,” Haknyeon said.

Hyunmin flinched but he grasped at Haknyeon’s hands. “No, he wasn’t. Listen, Hyungseob didn’t mean those things that he said. We were all younger so we all said a lot of things that we didn’t mean-”

“Is that what you think about me too?” Haknyeon asked. “Do you think I didn’t mean all the times I said I loved you?”

“I didn’t say that,” Hyunmin said. “I am sure you did love me at some point. You just don’t love me now. I just meant that Hyungseob was being rash when he said that we wouldn’t last. We have lasted, Haknyeon. We still can if you ever fall in love with me again.”

“That’s a big ‘if.’”

“Is it?” Hyunmin whispered. “I don’t agree. I don’t even think you fell out of love with me. You just panicked because we have been together for so long but it is like we aren’t going anywhere. I do alright at the academy and… you aren’t doing yourself any favours at work. There isn’t any progression for you there and you’re feeling trapped and scared and you can’t do anything on your own. So you should quit your job.”

This was nothing at all like Haknyeon had expected. He was still annoyed at Hyunmin for hiding the fact that he was in contact with Hyungseob. It could have been something Haknyeon could use against Hyunmin to make it clear that he wasn’t the only one slowly scraping away at fissures and vulnerabilities and being surprised when things started to crumble.

He expected something to bicker over. He didn’t expect to hear that he should quit his job.

“What? If I quit my job are you going to look after me?” Haknyeon asked incredulously.

“Maybe,” Hyunmin said. “I could take on a few more classes and earn enough for us to be comfortable. You could work out whatever it is that you want to do.”

“Why would you do that?”

“I love you, Haknyeon. I don’t want you to keep going through this when I could make things easier for you.”

“You’re really stupid,” Haknyeon said.

Hyunmin nodded. “Isn’t that why you fell in love with me in the first place?”

That wasn’t true. Haknyeon fell in love with Hyunmin because he was kind and persistent and a little bit silly. But before that Haknyeon had been infatuated with Hyunmin because he was strange and cool and handsome in a way that was difficult to look away from. All along Hyunmin had said things that were silly and nonsensical but that was part of his charm rather than plain stupidity.

Hyunmin’s charms never really ended. He was too good to Haknyeon even after he woke up one day certain that he was no longer in love.

“Why would you do something like this for me?”

“I really don’t think you fell out of love with me. This isn’t about us. This is about you. And I will do everything that I need to to make you happy again.”

“I don’t want you to have to work more. That wouldn’t make me happy.”

“Then find another job,” Hyunmin said as though it was really that easy. “Quit the one you have now. I know you hate it. I will take care of everything else. And maybe one day you will fall in love with me again.”

“I thought you didn’t think I fell out of love with you,” Haknyeon pointed out.

“Then you’ll remember that you love me,” Hyunmin shrugged.

“Is this what Hyungseob told you?”

Hyunmin sighed. “I was about to kiss you, Haknyeon. The timing was right and the mood was good. Why are you ruining my romantic gestures by talking about Hyungseob?”

It was an inelegant way of avoiding the question but Haknyeon supposed he didn’t care too much. He liked Hyunmin’s employment of non-sequiturs to distract from things he didn’t find important (though Hyunmin had never found anything as important as telling Haknyeon that he loved him and that should have made Haknyeon feel even guiltier than he felt for telling him the opposite in return).

“You can kiss me anyway,” Haknyeon said.

“I don’t know if I want to kiss a person who is going to keep bringing up other people when we are in bed,” Hyunmin sighed delicately. He really had been spending a lot more time with Hyungseob than he was ever going to admit.

Haknyeon wasn’t going to let some petty playing get in the way. He kissed Hyunmin softly and decided that the timing really was right.

The timing still felt right when Haknyeon tugged off Hyunmin’s clothes and kissed him all over his body. He had done enough talking for one night and it was Haknyeon’s turn to make promises about how he could make Hyunmin happy.

 

***

 

“You’re wearing your ring again,” Haknyeon said when he arrived home.

After handing in his notice he only had a month left at the accountancy firm. He had applied for a few part-time jobs but he was yet to hear anything back. Sunwoo wasn’t happy at all to hear that Haknyeon was moving on but it was not as though Haknyeon planned on losing contact with him. He still felt a bit strange from the mushy heart-to-heart they had at lunchtime (Sunwoo insisting that if Haknyeon ever did become a chef he had to promise to let Sunwoo eat at his restaurant for free) but the distracted mindset that plagued his afternoon immediately dispersed when he noticed the flash on Hyunmin’s hand.

Hyunmin twisted the silver band on his finger and pouted a bit. “You never took yours off.”

“Do you want me to take it off?”

“No,” Hyunmin grumbled petulantly. “I just put mine back on again. Why would I want you to take yours off?”

Hyunmin was cute. He blushed prettily when Haknyeon kissed him. He was very, very cute. He was too good to Haknyeon.

“You surprised me,” Hyunmin murmured. “Why are you kissing me?”

Haknyeon shrugged. He only did it because he wanted to. He liked Hyunmin’s reaction and he liked the warmth in his chest when he did it. It was just like why he looked in the fridge because he wanted to make something nice to eat after being at work.

“You love me,” Hyunmin said as he peered over Haknyeon’s shoulder to look into the fridge. “You keep kissing me because you love me.”

Haknyeon turned around and quickly kissed Hyunmin again. “I never said that.”

“You don’t need to say it. I know you love me.”

It wasn’t that easy. Haknyeon still wasn’t sure and he had a way to go but he wasn’t going to deny it when it was going to be true again one day.

**Author's Note:**

> if it doesn't make sense and there are parts which seem too easy and nonsensical... uh that's basically my trademark what are you expecting


End file.
